Bureau of Barbarians

By: Ben Nardolilli 

       Gentlemen! Thank you all for coming out for a night of theater. Not in the dramatic sense, but the operatic, and of course I am not speaking of the opera then, rather, in terms of the surgery about to take place here before all of you. For many, I suppose it is a reunion of sorts under this dome. I used to sit on those benches too. It is where I grew my first muttonchops while observing my first kidney stone, gallstone, and miscarriage. Oh my dear Gentlemen! This theater will be more than just a place to demonstrate another medical triumph. It will serve as a court, not of law, since we men of medicine will never voluntarily allow lawyers near us, but of opinion, as judged by you, my fellow practitioners and peers.

       Verily, Gentlemen, the removal of the troubled larynx of the patient is the most important item on our agenda, as his survival will fulfill our oaths to honor of that ancient Greek and our profession as a whole. Yet this demonstration with my assistant Dr. Haber will also prove the point I have raised in person and in print countless times, that had I been allowed to perform tonight’s surgery, our dear former emperor, Friedrich, would have survived to this day. Not that the reign of his successor has been less than illustrious, for I am a loyal subject. I only mean to suggest that the death of the last Emperor could have been avoided.

       He was not like his father, the first Wilhelm. There was little to be done for him. I am not intimately familiar with his case, though I feel confident in saying he died of true natural causes as far as any of us could. 91 years old, a fine life. He began life as a prince, then became a king, and finally died an emperor. A transition beyond the realm of biology and physiology, it is the alchemy of politics the develops these changes, brought about by the great Magus of our age, Bismarck. Since there is little else to be said of this period and patient so let us continue to this Emperor’s heir and brief successor.

       Such poor luck for his former majesty, never enjoying a single day of good health in his reign. Before he was crowned, Dr. Mackenzie diagnosed his malady, cancer of larynx, and his condition only deteriorated from there. The fact that even an English doctor could find the tumor proves just how terrible the growth was. But the Empress Dowager insisted on relying on Albion and so it was. Afterwards, she came to her senses and a good Prussian team was assembled, the best of Berlin, to deal with the situation properly.

       At this point, we could look at the Emperor’s throat and see the tumor for ourselves. The afflicted area was tremendously red and inflamed. It was growing too. As subjects we were horrified, but as men of science we were impressed. The sheer drive of the tumor to expand was a sight to behold. The disparate malignancies were succumbing to a terrible unity, beginning with a loose Zollverein that developed into a more compact Reich, which soon called out for Lebensraum to be taken from the various other tissues of the Emperor’s body.

       We all proposed various solutions to contain this cancer. Dr. Virchow wanted to create a cordon sanitaire through the application of gauze strips soaked generously in carbolic acid. He believed that an alliance of disinfected spaces might contain this aggression. Dr. Krebs suggested division of the tumor itself, to rob of it of its confident vitality by taking away whatever center was unifying the cluster. Lastly, Dr. Bramann proposed a colonial transplantation of the cells to another part of the body where their growth would be checked by less fertile circumstances. There, the cancer would expend its most expansionist impulses and leave the vital areas of the body alone. He suggested that we use the foot, which might be eventually amputated, getting rid of the problem altogether.

       Gentlemen! As you all know by now, I respectfully and vehemently disagreed. The larynx was the problem and so it was the larynx that had to be removed. Despite making my case in the most pressing and efficient manner, the other doctors remained unsure. As for Dr. Virchow, he was horrified at this idea. He took it upon himself to lead a dissent against me from within our group. He managed to bring the Englishman Mackenzie into agreement with him and the pair told the Emperor and the then-Empress that the operation had been attempted before but with a low survival rate of approximately zero percent.

       It was true and the patient had a right to know about the experimental nature of the procedure. I explained to the Emperor and then-Empress that the reason for all these fatalities was a lack of adherence to the most advanced procedures for sterilization. Procedures which I will demonstrate for you all right now. Gentlemen! Say hello to Gunter. Gunter, please lie down on the table facing Herr Blossfeldt. Herr Blossfeldt can you please take a “before” picture of the patient. The patient has the same affliction that imperiled and killed our dear Emperor. I should add that our patient here is a partial veteran of the war with France. I say partial because he deserted after Sedan and proceeded to desecrate a horse and a communion host during his wanderings in Lothringen.

       Who knows if the French would have imprisoned him for such crimes, but as he committed them in territories that became ours after the war, he is now under our jurisdiction. Gunter comes to us tonight via the prison in Spandau, barely able to speak just like the Emperor. As he is anesthetized, I will continue to apply heat to the equipment for the procedure. This familiar method happens to bear my name, in case any of you younger doctors and students were wondering if I am related to the developer of this great leap forward in sterilization.

       I did use it during my time with the Emperor. As his throat began to swell almost completely shut, we had to find a way to get him breathing again, and to extract the buildup of fluids. I took charge and made an incision, followed by fitting him with a cannula. We spared no expense for the dear Emperor, and used one made of silver. Gunter will have to make do with one composed of stainless steel. But fine Krupp steel that glitters like the Rhine!

       At this point, the emperor could not speak and had to maintain a written correspondence with those around him, including us physicians. Most of his compositions referenced the great pain he felt. Despite his weight loss and the complete disappearance of appetite, he kept passing large, fluid stools. Stool is probably a misnomer, though it is perfectly fine in our textbook nomenclature. If it could be compared to any piece of household furnishing, “carpet” might do, especially a damp one. It was a flat mass that kept coming and coming out of that orifice which all men have, but Emperors do not. Thus, what we encountered was not an issue of the crown lands, so to speak, but rather the private estate of one Friedrich Hohenzollern.

       Doctor Haber, please hand me that scalpel. We can begin making the necessary incisions. Gunter’s throat is easier to deal with than the Emperor’s. Nevertheless I am proceeding with great care. His Imperial Majesty’s throat was a challenge to maneuver around. Perhaps it was the beard, and that’s why one day while trying to refresh the imperial cannula, my hand slipped and I put it in the wrong hole, causing his majesty to cough. It is true that after that coughing came blood, yet the reports that there were fountains of it were lies spread by Virchow and his gang of medical miscreants.

       No innocent lies either, Gentlemen! These lies prevented me from performing this exact surgery and saving the Emperor’s life. It is another strange and cruel joke of the universe that Gunter, a fornicating sodomite and treasonous blasphemer can enjoy this potentially life-saving procedure while the Emperor was denied it and perished. Doctor Haber, please help me attend to the blood here. Gentlemen, we are seeing what I saw with the Emperor after the unfortunate incident with the slippery cannula. A simple stream of blood. Not a fountain in sight!

       Now, now, there is no need for panic or pandemonium here in the operating theater. I have enough gauze on hand to stop up the burst artery of our dear patient. Why are you behaving like first year medical students? When the Emperor started to bleed I did not have this embarrassment of dressing on hand, which is why, yes Gentlemen, I had to put a finger over the hole to stop the outpouring. Need I remind you all that it saved the Emperor’s life, at least what remained of it? Dr. Haber, please, pass me the oral speculum. Thank you.

       More lies by Dr. Virchow convinced the Emperor that I had tried to kill him. This led to comments in his majesty’s notebook such as “Why did Bergman put his finger in my throat?” and "Bergman ill-treated me." Was there an abscess? Only a minor one Gentlemen! It was certainly smaller than the tumor and it was delt with in time by me and Dr. Krebs. Dr. Virchow was too busy buttering up the Empress. Did his Majesty improve? In his condition it was not a readily apparent thing that could be grasped, at least he was no longer coughing up pus, which even the Empress and her man Mackenzie had to admit demonstrated my competence in the manner of his care.

       The Emperor died a month later, clear proof my finger and I are not to blame. Recall that there was a tumor involved. A difficult condition was already established as the baseline from which to maneuver. The location of the cancer provided us with no safe area to proceeded. There was a potential disaster awaiting us in any direction. There were veins, arteries, and other important organs threated by both the growth and any attempt to extricate it. We all did our best as a team, and the Empress, the Then-Empress, and our current Emperor, the Kaiser, did not reproach us.

       One day medical science will discover the cure for dealing with cancer. Until then, we can only experiment and try new solutions as we are doing here right now. Dr. Haber, please supply Gunter with some more anesthesia. We cannot have him thrashing about like a fish out of water. While you pacify him, I will apply my patented method once again to our implements. Remember, they must be sterilized with heat twice, first when they are cold, and second, when they are as hot as the body they are about to go into.

       Dr. Haber please get your ear off his chest and pull the sheet off his face. His other systems do not concern us at the moment, only the laryngeal, which we will promptly remove. Gunter, if only you could hear me. I would tell you to smile as we make medical history. Gentlemen, you must agree with me, that it would be better if we could see more smiles on the subjects in the next edition of the Universal-Repertorium der deutschen chirurgischen. They deserve their humanity, no?

       Dr. Haber, is the patient still? Ah very good. Bring in the photographer to capture our incision. I believe he has ceased his retching.