Redacted Article From One of The Times

By Anthony David Vernon 

    On Wednesday former House representative Mika Paterson of Texas’ 13th congressional district was ousted from Congress for what some have called, “barbaric actions.” The former congresswoman was ousted by just 1 vote over two-thirds in the House and by a strong majority in the Senate.
    Paterson’s ousting came after she fired upon the residents and staff of Cutler Ridge, a retirement home in Turkey Texas, indiscriminately. Her motivations for committing this action were previously unknown, however, she has released a statement directly to The \\\\\\ Times. We find it within our journalistic duty to release this statement to the public;

    “Like how Socrates argued when he was sentenced to death, I should not be punished for my actions but instead rewarded by the state. The retirees I killed lived full lives, and at this point are only unproductive leaches of social welfare. It does not serve our economic interests to keep these people alive. Keeping the elderly alive will only increase the suffering of the youth. We do not want to go the way of Japan, Korea, and China, having our society become unproductive gerontocracies. And these retirees do not deserve such valor, they are no members of the greatest generation!

    Many whom I killed were also in deep pain, I alleviated their suffering. I am saddened that some young staff came to be killed by my actions, but this is my only regret. Truly those staff should have been working in other areas, there is no use in caring for our old, we should just let them die. And if we do not let them die, then we should actively kill them for ourselves. Indeed, I am not an exception to this rule, if the state of Texas does not execute me then I will find some means to have myself killed at 65.

    I know my actions did not do enough, but perhaps this will spark debate on the mandatory execution of the elderly. This may sound dystopian because it is, we are sadly in need of dystopian solutions if we are to prevent societal collapse!”